Ah, how I’ve missed you all. I spent last Friday cooped up in the Amsterdam airport , staring bleary-eyed at the departures schedule and waiting to return to the United States. In that time, I abandoned you — leaving you without a selection of thoroughly the Dopest Cars to peruse on Craigslist.

Rest assured, that was an extenuating circumstance. I’m back at a computer, I’m sleeping in a bed rather than a chair, and I’ve returned to bring you the best of online classifieds to round out your work week. Let’s dive in.

Did you know that the Australian government once used Land Cruisers to ferry people around? I certainly didn’t, until I stumbled upon this ad for a Land Cruiser Troop Carrier . Apparently it was originally used to shuttle firefighters around in the Australian wilds, which is probably just about the only way to own a Troop Carrier that hasn’t had a sordid history.

Motorcycles, as many of us know, are Good. Turbochargers, similarly, are Good. What happens when you combine the two, and put a turbocharger on a motorcycle? Well, it’s either amazing, deadly, or both. This XN95 gets bonus points for the styling, as well as the tri-spoke wheels.

Ever since BMW Films’ Star, I’ve wanted an E39 M5. But my desires are set on a silver model, meaning this LeMans Blue offering is up for non-Steve grabs. Many say this was the apex of the sport sedan, occupying a peak above which no other car could achieve. The Chevy SS may come close, or the current Blackwings, but they can’t be the E39 — nothing can.

In my younger days, I owned a 1993 Mazda Miata . It was even black, like this one. And had a tan leather interior, like this one. And the C Package options pack, like this one. And the same wheels, the same marks on the driver’s seat. I even owned it in Fairfield County. Go buy this Miata, and send me the VIN. I’ll tell you if it was mine.

The seller claims that this Suzuki Samurai has actually been restored, though it’s fallen into disuse since that project. The interior does look upgraded — STi seats from “Carbuo,” wood trim, new sealant around the wheel wells. No word on whether the “upgrade exhaust header” adds any power, but how could it not?

Eighties Mercedes have a beautifully boxy look to them. Eighties Cosworth Mercedes have all that plus a healthy dose of added power. These cars are a perfect intersection of form and function, where neither particularly complements the other but each are important and present in their own right. Who doesn’t love that beautiful incongruity?

Sure, yes, this XJ has a salvage title. But it also has a manual transmission, two doors, and the indestructible 4.0-liter inline six for which it became famous. Maybe the salvage title was an insurance scam, we don’t know. I guess you’ll have to buy it to find out.

Saabs, like most dead brands, are cool cars lost before their time. This particular Saab , however, has been tuned to become a total sleeper. No one’s going to look at a 9-3 at a stoplight and assume it’s fast, will they? This counts extra for cops, who likely won’t even consider pulling this little jet over.

The Honda Monkey is a tiny little off-road bike, meant to compete with “hiking” than any big dual-sport. They’re for having fun on, messing around in the dirt, dropping and banging up and riding home. With this twofer pack, you and a friend can share all that two-wheeled fun.

Okay, calling this “a 2002" might be generous. It’s most of a 2002, lacking minor luxury accoutrements like “paint” and “the ability to move under its own power.” But with a car this good-looking, do you really care about the luxuries? Do you care about basic functionality? If not, this is the deal for you.

The seller claims this CR-Z was modified as part of some TV show. My guess is, that TV show is also why the hood and bumpers haven’t been painted to match the rest of the car — when you NEED TO FINISH THE CAR BY TOMORROW AFTERNOON OR THE CLIENT IS GONNA MISS THEIR EVENT AND THE SHOP WILL BE SUED, you start cutting corners. I get it.

I know what you’re thinking, you read one retro review of the 4Runner and now you want one. Well, luckily for you, they’re out there — even in the color combo you’re searching for . Sure, these older models can rust out on you, but imagine all the fun you’ll have before the car fully succumbs to rot? Oh, the places you’ll go.

The BMW 1-Series has undergone an odd popularity spike in the last couple weeks, something I’m calling The 1Seriessance. It seems like everyone in automotive media, simultaneously, realized that these cars are lightweight, nimble, fun, and cheap. Get in now before Doug DeMuro gets one and drives the prices up.

Three-box styling, a three-seat front bench, and a three on the tree. This is the recipe for a perfect cruiser, everything else is just vying for second place. No word on whether this Falcon includes the child from the photos, but my guess is no. I dunno, maybe you can negotiate. I wouldn’t, though.

This Vespa may have some of the smallest photos ever uploaded to Craigslist, but I’ll forgive it that trespass on account of its sheer beauty. The perfect metallic teal body meets a gorgeous copper-red engine cover, creating one of the best-looking vehicles I’ve ever laid eyes upon. Somebody buy this before I can.